Sunday, November 15, 2009
Science
Hubby and I watched a show on History channel last night. At first, I was a bit bored. Then I realized it was about the " Big Bang Theory". Strangely enough, I knew a lot of the information, before they even broadcast it. I was such a nerd in school. I LOVED Science class. Especially those of natural sciences like Ecology and Biology. Chemisty, not so much. Got me to thinking, I should at least check out some books in the library, polish off the old brain cells, and get to thinking again. What a great challenge to my mind! What a great thing to look forward to again, to be excited about learning again. Here I am, at 45 yrs old, and excited about learning. Go figure. I love science. Guess you can't take the geek out.
Remembering
My grandmother passed away almost two years ago. The day my mom called me, I burst in to tears. She didn't have to tell me, because the night before I had a dream that she came to me to tell me goodbye. I couldn't figure out why she was saying goodbye. I hadn't seen her in years, since she was put in the nursing home center at the end of her life. I still don't know if this was a good thing, or not. I want to remember grandma as the always-smiling-lovely person that she was.
I was the first grandchild. A granddaughter, and BOY was I spoiled. She doted on me, taking me under her wing. She always stayed in my room when they came to visit, and I'd sleep on the floor, so grandma would be comfortable. I could do NO wrong. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't a perfect child, but in this womans eyes, I did no wrong. She was my strongest advocate, and one of my biggest supporters, no matter what I did.
My grandma LOVED Christmas. Everything about it. The lights, the snow, the gifts, the family time. She sparkled for months til and after about the holiday. That's probably where I got my love for it.
Recently, my mom, her only daughter, finally went through grandma's stuff, that she's had tucked throughout the house since her death. There was numerous boxes of christmas things. None of them especially expensive, or fancy, but nonetheless, special to her. My mom gave those things to me, to display. I will, this year. As I think of my families past, the love we shared with all our hearts....none of the gifts stuck out in my mind. What did stick out, and always will, was the special feeling of the love that my grandma gave me every holiday. I hope that some day, I'll be able to impart to my kids, that special love of the spirit of family, of love, of togetherness. It doesn't have to be fancy, expensive, or any of that. It just has to be about the memories that they'll tell their kids...someday.
I was the first grandchild. A granddaughter, and BOY was I spoiled. She doted on me, taking me under her wing. She always stayed in my room when they came to visit, and I'd sleep on the floor, so grandma would be comfortable. I could do NO wrong. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't a perfect child, but in this womans eyes, I did no wrong. She was my strongest advocate, and one of my biggest supporters, no matter what I did.
My grandma LOVED Christmas. Everything about it. The lights, the snow, the gifts, the family time. She sparkled for months til and after about the holiday. That's probably where I got my love for it.
Recently, my mom, her only daughter, finally went through grandma's stuff, that she's had tucked throughout the house since her death. There was numerous boxes of christmas things. None of them especially expensive, or fancy, but nonetheless, special to her. My mom gave those things to me, to display. I will, this year. As I think of my families past, the love we shared with all our hearts....none of the gifts stuck out in my mind. What did stick out, and always will, was the special feeling of the love that my grandma gave me every holiday. I hope that some day, I'll be able to impart to my kids, that special love of the spirit of family, of love, of togetherness. It doesn't have to be fancy, expensive, or any of that. It just has to be about the memories that they'll tell their kids...someday.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Simple Pleasures
There aren't many pleasures nowadays, with hubby's severely broken leg and all. There are some though, that I wouldn't trade for the world.
One of them is right outside my front door. I planted some mammoth sunflower seeds in the spring, and they have grown beautifully this summer. Now, in the waning days of summer, they are seeded out, and the birds are just loving them! As I sit out there, I see a family of six titmice pecking at the seed heads, to find their favorite food. Funny thing is, one titmouse will fly in, hit a browning leaf, and they all scatter, just to realize it was one of them making a noise, and immediately they're back for more. Some of the seed heads I cut off the dead stems, and placed on a platform feeder. These noisy little birds, just happy to have all this abundant food available, chirping, tapping, flitting around.
Then a few moments later, a beautiful male goldfinch flies in to see what he can gather for a meal. He lands on a plant, looks around, flies to the top of the seed head and proceeds to turn upside down to retrieve a seed. Another goldfinch, swoops in to see what all the fuss is about.
I have a hummingbird feeder buried amongst the stalks of huge sunflowers, and in they zoom to quickly sip a quick drink, and buzz off to the nearby tree to rest.
It's so relaxing, to sit out there in the afternoons, and just let the activities of nature take me away to a calm place.
Next to me, off the front porch, a butterfly bush is busy with swallowtail butterflies, monarch butterflies, and hummingbird moths, along with plenty of bees, all searching for their nectar.
I love the waning days of summer, cooler breezes promising relief from the scalding days of past, watching nature prepare for the winter.
One of them is right outside my front door. I planted some mammoth sunflower seeds in the spring, and they have grown beautifully this summer. Now, in the waning days of summer, they are seeded out, and the birds are just loving them! As I sit out there, I see a family of six titmice pecking at the seed heads, to find their favorite food. Funny thing is, one titmouse will fly in, hit a browning leaf, and they all scatter, just to realize it was one of them making a noise, and immediately they're back for more. Some of the seed heads I cut off the dead stems, and placed on a platform feeder. These noisy little birds, just happy to have all this abundant food available, chirping, tapping, flitting around.
Then a few moments later, a beautiful male goldfinch flies in to see what he can gather for a meal. He lands on a plant, looks around, flies to the top of the seed head and proceeds to turn upside down to retrieve a seed. Another goldfinch, swoops in to see what all the fuss is about.
I have a hummingbird feeder buried amongst the stalks of huge sunflowers, and in they zoom to quickly sip a quick drink, and buzz off to the nearby tree to rest.
It's so relaxing, to sit out there in the afternoons, and just let the activities of nature take me away to a calm place.
Next to me, off the front porch, a butterfly bush is busy with swallowtail butterflies, monarch butterflies, and hummingbird moths, along with plenty of bees, all searching for their nectar.
I love the waning days of summer, cooler breezes promising relief from the scalding days of past, watching nature prepare for the winter.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Relearning life's importance
Life's sure been hectic these last few weeks. Hubby severely broke his leg almost three weeks ago. Unfortunately, we didn't realize how bad until about four days later. We thought that it was just torn ligaments, so he suffered for days, with two bones broken in his lower, left leg. I feel guilt and all that comes with that, on not insisting that he go to the ER earlier, but what's done is done, as they say.
So, now here we are, almost a full three weeks later. He's undergone two surgeries, has been living in a narcotic haze, and still faces months of physical therapy, before he can even put any weight on the leg.
It's been a stressful, scary, lonely ride, but also an eye opening experience. One thing I've learned for sure, is that I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. At first, all of it was so overwhelming, that I don't know how I could've gotten through it without the support of my fabulous family and friends. I've had to learn firsthand, on how to care for someone who can't care for themselves. It's a good lesson, since hubby is 15 yrs older than I, and more than likely will be an issue for us both later in our lives.
I've also learned that right questions to ask, and how to ask, and who to ask. Feeling a little more in control, makes the day to day tasks that much easier to handle.
My bosses have been fantastic, giving me the time I needed to deal with care, from home health aides, to coordinating family and friends as sitters, to surgeries, etc. One fantastic thing about working for a family business, they do emphasize the importance of family. I've known this for some time, since hubby has been dealing with cancer for years now, as well.
Learning to deal with work, care, hospitals, even transporting the ever hurting hubby, has been challenging, but I'm getting better at asking for help when I needed it.
It's still an adjustment dealing with having to do EVERYTHING, from taking out the trash to working, to paying bills, to coordinating health care. I'm figuring it out, now, and learning that the dust bunnies can wait, the lawn will have to look like a jungle for a bit, and the work can be handled, even if on Saturdays.
Thank god for my wonderful family and friends.
So, now here we are, almost a full three weeks later. He's undergone two surgeries, has been living in a narcotic haze, and still faces months of physical therapy, before he can even put any weight on the leg.
It's been a stressful, scary, lonely ride, but also an eye opening experience. One thing I've learned for sure, is that I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. At first, all of it was so overwhelming, that I don't know how I could've gotten through it without the support of my fabulous family and friends. I've had to learn firsthand, on how to care for someone who can't care for themselves. It's a good lesson, since hubby is 15 yrs older than I, and more than likely will be an issue for us both later in our lives.
I've also learned that right questions to ask, and how to ask, and who to ask. Feeling a little more in control, makes the day to day tasks that much easier to handle.
My bosses have been fantastic, giving me the time I needed to deal with care, from home health aides, to coordinating family and friends as sitters, to surgeries, etc. One fantastic thing about working for a family business, they do emphasize the importance of family. I've known this for some time, since hubby has been dealing with cancer for years now, as well.
Learning to deal with work, care, hospitals, even transporting the ever hurting hubby, has been challenging, but I'm getting better at asking for help when I needed it.
It's still an adjustment dealing with having to do EVERYTHING, from taking out the trash to working, to paying bills, to coordinating health care. I'm figuring it out, now, and learning that the dust bunnies can wait, the lawn will have to look like a jungle for a bit, and the work can be handled, even if on Saturdays.
Thank god for my wonderful family and friends.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Art
I've always loved art. Paintings, music, photographs, although I could never get the hands to do what I wanted on canvas. Give me flowers, plantings, trees, soil, and mulch, and I create. Getting my hands in the soil, smelling the fresh earth, moist, loose and I regress to my childhood. My mom shares the love of the soil. She must've showed me her secrets. How wet the soil should be, how much food it'll need, and the colors. The palettes of mother earth, I revel in them.
I share my gardens of sage greens, waving strands of lavender, their stalks of sweet perfume waving in the light breeze. The deep purples and bright greens of the butterfly bush, beckoning the butterflies and bees to come forth. The soft creams of the mums with their deep forest green leaves, waiting til the perfect autumn cool to show their beauty. The deep yellows of sunflowers stretching to the heavens, calling forth the golden yellow goldfinches with their seeds. My coreopsis, a light lavender flower, ever blooming, growing tall near the sea oats grass, lazily swaying in summer winds. I anxiously await the summer rains to soak the soil with their nourishment, allowing the flowers to stand tall with blossoms beckoning back to old, summer days. My palette is brown, sweet, and soft, and my shovels await my work.
I share my gardens of sage greens, waving strands of lavender, their stalks of sweet perfume waving in the light breeze. The deep purples and bright greens of the butterfly bush, beckoning the butterflies and bees to come forth. The soft creams of the mums with their deep forest green leaves, waiting til the perfect autumn cool to show their beauty. The deep yellows of sunflowers stretching to the heavens, calling forth the golden yellow goldfinches with their seeds. My coreopsis, a light lavender flower, ever blooming, growing tall near the sea oats grass, lazily swaying in summer winds. I anxiously await the summer rains to soak the soil with their nourishment, allowing the flowers to stand tall with blossoms beckoning back to old, summer days. My palette is brown, sweet, and soft, and my shovels await my work.
Why I fell in love with you
You call me in to your office. You're listening to a new song. It must be special, so I sit and listen to it with you. It's a sweet love song, from a father to a daughter. As the words unfold, I notice that you turn your face away. You start swallowing hard. I notice you wipe an eye. The song sings of a father, leaving a message on his voicemail, in case you call, asking you to hurry home. You get up, and leave, facing away from me. When you return, you sit, quietly, just listening. We sit there in the quiet when the song is done. Your tender face turns to me and says, " tear jerker" then you place your face in your hands, missing the little girl that was, the beautiful, smart woman she's become. I can only hug you, and fall more in love with you at that moment. You are so strong, my rock when I'm weak, and for a brief moment, you show me that you miss her and the little girl she was. Breathe itself, couldn't stop me from loving you more than I do at this moment. Thank you for sharing your life and your love with me.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Exciting new adventures
My oldest daughter finally bit the bullet and opened her own business this past week. How does one describe the pride one feels when the children you've born reach for their dreams? She's always been a dreamer, a creator, an artist. How I wish I could see in my mind's eye what she sees, but I do have the privilege of viewing them to my heart's content, and I'm still amazed at the beauty in it all. Breathtaking beauty. It amazes me that one can see an object that we've all driven by day after day, and just ignored. She'll look at it, look at how the light hits it, see the angles of it, watch the backdrops of it, and then frame it in her head for the perfect shot. Then with pride, she'll send it to me, and I'll just sit there, mouth agape, in pure awe at the creativity of it all. Something that would take an amateur like me hours to frame, seems to come to her instantaneously, and then it's another capture, for us lucky enough to know her, to admire.
How does one describe the pride? Well, this one just smiles, and she knows.
How does one describe the pride? Well, this one just smiles, and she knows.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I love mornings
I love the early morning hours. The relaxed feel of just admiring mother earth's beauty. I crave listening to the birds, singing love calls to their mates. The bluebirds flying down from the tree in my front yard, to snatch up a feast for the young they've bore in the bird house out back. The bright yellow of the goldfinches on the feeder near the mailbox.
I stand near the newly planted garden near the front of our house, admiring how we've nurtured lettuces, radishes, herbs, and yes, even flowers, to bring their beauty for all to see. The chives in the pot, with dew on the tips of each small plant, taking in the sun and moisture to produce. The jasmine we planted near the side porch, bearing flower buds, teasing us in wait for it's sweet smells for summer.
The peace in the morning, when most are still asleep, while mother nature spoils us with her beauty. I love mornings.
I stand near the newly planted garden near the front of our house, admiring how we've nurtured lettuces, radishes, herbs, and yes, even flowers, to bring their beauty for all to see. The chives in the pot, with dew on the tips of each small plant, taking in the sun and moisture to produce. The jasmine we planted near the side porch, bearing flower buds, teasing us in wait for it's sweet smells for summer.
The peace in the morning, when most are still asleep, while mother nature spoils us with her beauty. I love mornings.
Monday, March 30, 2009
My youngest daughter and I talked today.
She doesn't live with me, which has grated on me for years. Bad divorce, etc, you know the routine. Anyways, she asked me if I remember a ring. Yanno mom, the one with two hearts. I said yea. She said it had red and blue on it. For some reason, she can't seem to go a day without wearing it now. She said she feels naked without it. Wow, my heart just soared like an eagle. Something so, little, and it means something to her, that she doesn't want to go a day without it. I wish I could do so much more for my beautiful kids, because I just don't know if they know how very much they do for me, every day.
So this is what I live for
I LOVE when termites swarm. I'm so totally weird, but to me, helping someone out with their termite issues, just makes me giddy. People don't realize how very destructive these little devils are, which I guess makes my job a challenge as well as rewarding.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
I miss Upstate NY
Or more what it represented. My parents separated when I was 13. My mom, though, never skipped a beat. She worked some ungodly hours, but always found time to do everything with us. I was heavily involved with our high school band. I know, nerd, right. But it was a great outlet me for the not so athletic type. I was always the last to get picked, if you know what I mean. Anyways, being from a military family ( both my parents, uncle and 2nd cousin was in the Marines) if seemed seamless for me to join a marching band. We worked some god awful hours, but thankfully we were close to my school. My mom, though, never failed to be there for all our shows, and eventually, since she was so beautiful, did our makeup for us. I can't think of the words to thank my mom for us being there. I wish I could do the same for my kids ( but that is a whole 'nother post)
My mom also used to take us to Syracuse University to watch the basketball games. We were addicted from the first time we entered the Carrier Dome, to see the Syracuse Orangemen play. I have to say, for a girl, I still love watching them play. She took us religiously, to see them play. I think back now, I know she didn't really have the money, but somehow she found a way to take us.
She also got us SO hooked on skiing, which in NY is a good thing. Since it's snowing most of the year there. So, I exaggerate, but it did snow a lot. Too much, but what else do you do there? Even when she was dog tired from working the graveyard shift, she dragged us to the slopes to ski. What a trooper she was. See, I told you I had an awesome family!
My mom also used to take us to Syracuse University to watch the basketball games. We were addicted from the first time we entered the Carrier Dome, to see the Syracuse Orangemen play. I have to say, for a girl, I still love watching them play. She took us religiously, to see them play. I think back now, I know she didn't really have the money, but somehow she found a way to take us.
She also got us SO hooked on skiing, which in NY is a good thing. Since it's snowing most of the year there. So, I exaggerate, but it did snow a lot. Too much, but what else do you do there? Even when she was dog tired from working the graveyard shift, she dragged us to the slopes to ski. What a trooper she was. See, I told you I had an awesome family!
Stepping off point
I've been so blessed my life. Although some would look at my history, surviving a tense family life with an unhappy father, then living in a nightmarish marriage as not so blessed. I don't look back on these times with regrets anymore. Maybe it's the age. Maybe it's knowing that that's not me anymore. Whatever it is, it's been a full circle to where I am now. I have three absolutely beautiful children. All very different from one another. All very confident in who they are, and determined to " make" it in the real world, with no qualms about how others feel they "should" do. They will not ever let anyone influence what their goals are, and that just makes me so proud of them.
I don't have worldly goods to bestow on my children, but I've always tried to teach them that things are not what is important. I've tried to instill in them a love for their siblings, irregardless of their flaws/faults. I think I've succeeded so far.
I also have a wonderfully supportive husband and parents. I KNOW I've not been what they wanted/thought I'd be. Especially when I was wallowing under the fear of my first marriage. Geesh it makes someone really struggle to love you,when you're doing this to yourself. My mom and dad never waivered in their love and support. My husband is my rock! He's been the most surprising gift to me, ever since we met. It's been almost 10 yrs since we've met, and there's never been a day that we have not told each other that we love each other, and can't wait to see each other again. How do you explain that you can't barely breathe when they're not around? Through our marriage, we've faced so very trying times, including cancer and financial issues, but I still know that he's always there to support me, and I for him. There's nothing more rewarding in this world, than knowing you are human, that you can make mistakes, and that you're still loved.
One thing I've seen, following some of these amazing blogs, is that I'm not as good a writer, but the feeling in these other ones, are just so honest, and lovely. I have a lot of these same feelings for my fellow humans, and I hope that I'll learn to be as free to express them, as my children do in theirs. I'm grateful that I've been able to give them the wings, and watch them fly.
I don't have worldly goods to bestow on my children, but I've always tried to teach them that things are not what is important. I've tried to instill in them a love for their siblings, irregardless of their flaws/faults. I think I've succeeded so far.
I also have a wonderfully supportive husband and parents. I KNOW I've not been what they wanted/thought I'd be. Especially when I was wallowing under the fear of my first marriage. Geesh it makes someone really struggle to love you,when you're doing this to yourself. My mom and dad never waivered in their love and support. My husband is my rock! He's been the most surprising gift to me, ever since we met. It's been almost 10 yrs since we've met, and there's never been a day that we have not told each other that we love each other, and can't wait to see each other again. How do you explain that you can't barely breathe when they're not around? Through our marriage, we've faced so very trying times, including cancer and financial issues, but I still know that he's always there to support me, and I for him. There's nothing more rewarding in this world, than knowing you are human, that you can make mistakes, and that you're still loved.
One thing I've seen, following some of these amazing blogs, is that I'm not as good a writer, but the feeling in these other ones, are just so honest, and lovely. I have a lot of these same feelings for my fellow humans, and I hope that I'll learn to be as free to express them, as my children do in theirs. I'm grateful that I've been able to give them the wings, and watch them fly.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
It's been a pretty good week
I've been able to pay my car and the rent! PHEW! I've also done pretty good in sales, for the week, so I'm happy. We've even had some termite swarms, which I'm very happy about!
The sun is also finally shining. It's been raining here since friday, so we're happy to see the sun out, and the temperatures rising, finally. Spring in the south. Love it. Even the Bradford Pears are shining brightly for us to admire as we drive along the streets.
The sun is also finally shining. It's been raining here since friday, so we're happy to see the sun out, and the temperatures rising, finally. Spring in the south. Love it. Even the Bradford Pears are shining brightly for us to admire as we drive along the streets.
Monday, March 9, 2009
I've been tagged.
Ten things you probably could care less about..haha
1. When I was a little girl, I thought the world revolved around me. I was the first grandchild, so, ya, I was spoiled rotten!
2. I grew up in Upstate NY, so you think I'd be used to the cold, but even in the South, I STILL hate the cold.
3. When I was a little girl, I had pin straight hair, down to the crack of my..well..yanno. My mom got tired of fighting me every time we combed it, and had it cut in to a Dorothy Hamill cut when I was around 10. It stayed short until I was 38, and newly single again, when I started growing it out again.
4. I want my children to always know that I love them to pieces, and that I hope that they will always follow their dreams, not mine, not their fathers...but THEIRS!
5. I love 24 and American Idol, and Countdown with Keith Olbermann.
6. I'm a Taurus, and very bull headed.
7. I live within city limits, and I'd be MUCH happier with several acres of land to dig around in every day.
8. I used to live on chocolate, especially eclairs, but now that I'm older, I love Corona and salty stuff.
9. I believe in hard work, my hubby, and angels.
10. I love pasta, any way, in any kind of sauce. I'm about the only one in my family, though. My kids, cept my youngest, would rather choke, than eat pasta. haha
There, I made it. Did you learn anything?
1. When I was a little girl, I thought the world revolved around me. I was the first grandchild, so, ya, I was spoiled rotten!
2. I grew up in Upstate NY, so you think I'd be used to the cold, but even in the South, I STILL hate the cold.
3. When I was a little girl, I had pin straight hair, down to the crack of my..well..yanno. My mom got tired of fighting me every time we combed it, and had it cut in to a Dorothy Hamill cut when I was around 10. It stayed short until I was 38, and newly single again, when I started growing it out again.
4. I want my children to always know that I love them to pieces, and that I hope that they will always follow their dreams, not mine, not their fathers...but THEIRS!
5. I love 24 and American Idol, and Countdown with Keith Olbermann.
6. I'm a Taurus, and very bull headed.
7. I live within city limits, and I'd be MUCH happier with several acres of land to dig around in every day.
8. I used to live on chocolate, especially eclairs, but now that I'm older, I love Corona and salty stuff.
9. I believe in hard work, my hubby, and angels.
10. I love pasta, any way, in any kind of sauce. I'm about the only one in my family, though. My kids, cept my youngest, would rather choke, than eat pasta. haha
There, I made it. Did you learn anything?
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Keeping my chin up
Okay, so I'm gonna be okay. I know I will be. Funny, my daughter has been struggling for months, and I've been her biggest cheerleader, and then I try to bail. I'm the first to tell her that it's going to be okay, that EVEN if you lose all your stuff, it's just STUFF! So, today, she sent me an email. She told me, " things will get better, just keep trucking!" Pretty good advice. I know it will be. So I'm gonna just keep on trucking.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Feels like quicksand
Why can't I seem to get ahead? Sometimes I feel like this whole thing is so unfair. I work so very hard, try to be respectful to others, treat them with kindness, smile. I've always been the good girl, the "never had a problem with me" kinda gal. If you need my help, I'm one of the first ones to offer it, and actually follow through. I've always tried to do what's right. Lately though, it's just been so very tough. What bill will we pay this month, and which ones will we put off until next month. Why don't I ever get a break? I'm just getting so very tired of the struggle. Sometimes, I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep, not have a care in the world. Even when I'm inside screaming " Fuck you, world", I just put on a smile, and try to be brave, assure others things will be okay. It's getting so very difficult to face this shit anymore.
Funny, when I get stressed, I get mad cleaning. You'd think I'd have the cleanest house around, but I don't even have the energy to keep up with that anymore. My guts are all in knots, my hearts constantly racing, my head's swimming. I just want some direction. Why can't I have the confidence on the inside, that I so bravely show on the outside?
One of my favorite books growing up was " Are you there, God. It's me, Margaret". Sometimes thats how I feel, is any one listening? Can anyone hear me, now?
Well, tomorrow's got to be better, I guess. I'll just put on my brave face again, and do my best, and be kind to others, and smile again....
Funny, when I get stressed, I get mad cleaning. You'd think I'd have the cleanest house around, but I don't even have the energy to keep up with that anymore. My guts are all in knots, my hearts constantly racing, my head's swimming. I just want some direction. Why can't I have the confidence on the inside, that I so bravely show on the outside?
One of my favorite books growing up was " Are you there, God. It's me, Margaret". Sometimes thats how I feel, is any one listening? Can anyone hear me, now?
Well, tomorrow's got to be better, I guess. I'll just put on my brave face again, and do my best, and be kind to others, and smile again....
Saturday, February 14, 2009
I'll be go to hell
How many times have I heard my dad say that growing up. Never really knew what the meaning meant until now.
It's Valentines night, and mother nature came banging on my door last night. At my age (ahem) I usually don't give a rat's ass, but for some insane reason, I decided to splurge on something sexy to wear for hubby. Don't really have the money to spare, lord knows, but I wanted to show him how I still crave for him, body and soul. I'm so sick and tired of this shit happening at all the wrong times. I've had my babies, why in the hell do I still have to worry about this shit? UGH.
I'm not a model, never have been, but hubby always makes me feel wanted and desired, and the ONE time, in years, that I finally had the plan and it all gets fucked up.
I'm also sick and tired of the damn hormonal rush that makes me a raving bitch, or cry baby. I'm so sensitive to all that's said to me for a few days, when it finally does roll around, that I either chew off heads, or just want to bury my head in a pillow and bawl my eyes out. My momma raised me better than this, but I feel like I have absolutely NO control over it. What in the hell was god thinking when he allowed women to have children into their 50's and 60's? This is like some kind of sick curse, I swear, and I'm about to tell the gyno to just rip the shit out, and be done with it! I'm just going to go to the corner and pull my hair out now. Yes, another Corona would be nice..tyvm
It's Valentines night, and mother nature came banging on my door last night. At my age (ahem) I usually don't give a rat's ass, but for some insane reason, I decided to splurge on something sexy to wear for hubby. Don't really have the money to spare, lord knows, but I wanted to show him how I still crave for him, body and soul. I'm so sick and tired of this shit happening at all the wrong times. I've had my babies, why in the hell do I still have to worry about this shit? UGH.
I'm not a model, never have been, but hubby always makes me feel wanted and desired, and the ONE time, in years, that I finally had the plan and it all gets fucked up.
I'm also sick and tired of the damn hormonal rush that makes me a raving bitch, or cry baby. I'm so sensitive to all that's said to me for a few days, when it finally does roll around, that I either chew off heads, or just want to bury my head in a pillow and bawl my eyes out. My momma raised me better than this, but I feel like I have absolutely NO control over it. What in the hell was god thinking when he allowed women to have children into their 50's and 60's? This is like some kind of sick curse, I swear, and I'm about to tell the gyno to just rip the shit out, and be done with it! I'm just going to go to the corner and pull my hair out now. Yes, another Corona would be nice..tyvm
Friday, February 13, 2009
A love letter to my husband
It's so hard to believe that we've been together for 9 yrs and 3 months. The time has flown by so very quickly. I still remember our first date. You made me feel like I was the only woman in the room, you're intense blue eyes, fixed on my face, smiling and laughing the night away. From that first night, you handled me with the softest touch, the warmest heart, the kindest words. You told me I was a flower just waiting to bloom. You told me that you wanted to help me find my smile again. Those words just sunk to my soul, because I knew that with you, I would find it again.
I have never had to put on airs with you, or pretend to be perfect, I wasn't. I had faults and flaws, but you decided early on, to never make a point of noticing. You made my heart melt so quickly for you, I felt like I was home with you.
Here it is so many years later, and I still get a little rush in my heart when you call me, or hug me, or kiss me ever so sweetly. Your strength has calmed me in my darkest days, and shown me how to love with no bounds. You've taught me what love is. Your patience, kindness, and courage through your cancer, has hopefully made me a better person for knowing you.
I'm so blessed that you're my love, my husband, my soulmate, my friend.
I love you, baby.
I have never had to put on airs with you, or pretend to be perfect, I wasn't. I had faults and flaws, but you decided early on, to never make a point of noticing. You made my heart melt so quickly for you, I felt like I was home with you.
Here it is so many years later, and I still get a little rush in my heart when you call me, or hug me, or kiss me ever so sweetly. Your strength has calmed me in my darkest days, and shown me how to love with no bounds. You've taught me what love is. Your patience, kindness, and courage through your cancer, has hopefully made me a better person for knowing you.
I'm so blessed that you're my love, my husband, my soulmate, my friend.
I love you, baby.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Simple Inspiratons courtesy of Woman's Day
Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for . We are the change that we seek.
-Barack Obama-
-Barack Obama-
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Could things be looking up?
As I said in an earlier post, I'm in sales, and things were abyssmal these last two months. Well, so far this month, I've already sold three customers, close to around 3K, which is good in what I do. It's making me feel pretty positive about the season.
Also, my wonderful hubby re-designed our website for the small family business I work for, and we've had 3 hits on it already! Great thing is, it's not even been recognized by " the Google" yet, and we're getting looks. Geesh, if this is what's going to happen now, I can just imagine once it get's up where it will be!
My mom reminded me that my stepdad's birthday is coming up the 16th, so I have to get off my backside ( not really ) and find him a stupendous card to celebrate him!
My awesome hubby, think I said that already, is also going to do some selling for his friend tomorrow! He's the best salesman, I've learned all I could from him! Hell, he sold me!
Well, I'm dancing in my seat, since I had such a good day, and hoping to have an even better one tomorrow! It's been so rough for us lately, so it's nice to finally have something to lift me up.
We're also going to have some wonderful weather for the next week; it's been so cold here. I'm sure I'm going to get antsy about getting out in the soil, although it's way to early for that, it's exciting to think about! Can't wait to get my hands dirty again!
Also, my wonderful hubby re-designed our website for the small family business I work for, and we've had 3 hits on it already! Great thing is, it's not even been recognized by " the Google" yet, and we're getting looks. Geesh, if this is what's going to happen now, I can just imagine once it get's up where it will be!
My mom reminded me that my stepdad's birthday is coming up the 16th, so I have to get off my backside ( not really ) and find him a stupendous card to celebrate him!
My awesome hubby, think I said that already, is also going to do some selling for his friend tomorrow! He's the best salesman, I've learned all I could from him! Hell, he sold me!
Well, I'm dancing in my seat, since I had such a good day, and hoping to have an even better one tomorrow! It's been so rough for us lately, so it's nice to finally have something to lift me up.
We're also going to have some wonderful weather for the next week; it's been so cold here. I'm sure I'm going to get antsy about getting out in the soil, although it's way to early for that, it's exciting to think about! Can't wait to get my hands dirty again!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I love my mom
I grew up in the 60's and 70's, when a lot of women at that time were fighting for equal rights and pay. My mom worked her ass off, trying to raise me and my brother, and still work full time, and keep a house. She always believed in my brother and I, even though we didn't always make life easy for her, and lords knows my father didn't. Shortly after my parents built a new house, her first ever, my father decided he needed his " space" and left us. I was 13 at the time, and never hated someone so much in my life. For almost a year, we didn't hear from him. I could hear my mom on the phone arguing with him, to just talk to us, but I later learned he was too ashamed to talk to us. It took me until well in to my adult hood to forgive him, but I have. In the meantime, my mom was the one that worked all day, and then some, and then would take us to all our school events, or chaperone , or just be mom on the sidelines, cheering us on. I never truly appreciated her sacrifice until I became a mom. You don't truly fathom the commitment they put out, until you're grown, and what a shame.
I had a very difficult first marriage, they say that you marry your father. Well, don't know if I did, but it was tough. My self esteem,that my mom spent years building up, was pretty much nil, until the family got together for grandpa's birthday, and she told me it was " okay". That was all she said, as if she saw the hurt, fear, anxiety on my face, and knew it was time for me to make the decision that it was better to be alone, than to face anymore of the hurt. I made that decision a few months later, and life was a living hell. I no longer lived with my kids, I lived on friends couch's, I completely felt the life sucking out of me. Then my mom, ever the pillar of strength in my life, told me that it was time to move on, and get my smile back.
Here it is, some decade later, and I do have my smile back. That's not to say, it was easy at first, but I got it. I remarried some 4 yrs after my first marriage dissolved. My kids have finally forgiven me for leaving, not that I had much choice, but I had to save my life.
I hope that they will some day see me in the same light that I see my mom. Strong, dedicated, loving, supportive, and always there for them, because I am and will be.
I love my mom.
I had a very difficult first marriage, they say that you marry your father. Well, don't know if I did, but it was tough. My self esteem,that my mom spent years building up, was pretty much nil, until the family got together for grandpa's birthday, and she told me it was " okay". That was all she said, as if she saw the hurt, fear, anxiety on my face, and knew it was time for me to make the decision that it was better to be alone, than to face anymore of the hurt. I made that decision a few months later, and life was a living hell. I no longer lived with my kids, I lived on friends couch's, I completely felt the life sucking out of me. Then my mom, ever the pillar of strength in my life, told me that it was time to move on, and get my smile back.
Here it is, some decade later, and I do have my smile back. That's not to say, it was easy at first, but I got it. I remarried some 4 yrs after my first marriage dissolved. My kids have finally forgiven me for leaving, not that I had much choice, but I had to save my life.
I hope that they will some day see me in the same light that I see my mom. Strong, dedicated, loving, supportive, and always there for them, because I am and will be.
I love my mom.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Living in the South
Living in the South is quite amusing at times. They're talking about a possible snow storm on Tuesday, so not only are all the snack foods getting yanked out of the stores for the Super Bowl, but so is all the milk and bread. See, the South does NOT know how to handle a snow storm. They have very little equipment, and less knowledge on how to handle it. Two years ago, we had a half inch of snow fall, and because it happened early afternoon every one started to leave work, and close schools, all at once. Within an hour, with all those vehicles on the road, it had turned the roads to ice. No one was going anywhere. I was lucky, it only took me about 45 min to get home, course I was only about 15 min regular drive from home. My husband was about a 30 min reg. drive, and it took him 8 hours to get home. Insane, indeed. So, now with a possible storm coming this way again, people are planning to stay in for the duration. Too funny. Just like the snow they had in DC this last week, and Barack Obama laughed it off, when his girls school was closed. Being from Chicago, he knew how to deal with the snow, but apparently his new home did/does not.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Times are tough
My boss is worrying the hell out of me lately. I'm in sales and with the economy hurting the way it is, we're down for the year. Don't mind the fact, that every fall/winter, sales fall. Being a seasonal business is tough.
I wish I could afford to open my own business, and maybe some day I will. In the mean time, I try not to take to heart what he's saying/stressing about, and just plug on. Thank god I have a supportive husband, that always seems to know what to say to calm me down, and put me back in my "groove".
I'm even considering going to school. Would be a first for me, since high school, which has been many, many years. The exciting thing about it is that, I guess, I finally feel "grown" enough to know I could do it, if I can get the financial aid to do it.
When I was growing up, my dad was old school. You know the type, " children should be seen and not heard", so I probably didn't apply myself to my curiousity that I could have. I always had an interest in the sciences though, and was blessed to have some fantastic teachers in those courses. Maybe the future will get better, if I can pursue something I never thought I could.
I wish I could afford to open my own business, and maybe some day I will. In the mean time, I try not to take to heart what he's saying/stressing about, and just plug on. Thank god I have a supportive husband, that always seems to know what to say to calm me down, and put me back in my "groove".
I'm even considering going to school. Would be a first for me, since high school, which has been many, many years. The exciting thing about it is that, I guess, I finally feel "grown" enough to know I could do it, if I can get the financial aid to do it.
When I was growing up, my dad was old school. You know the type, " children should be seen and not heard", so I probably didn't apply myself to my curiousity that I could have. I always had an interest in the sciences though, and was blessed to have some fantastic teachers in those courses. Maybe the future will get better, if I can pursue something I never thought I could.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
My first step
My first blog, and where do I begin. I've been following my kids blogs pretty closely, and I'm learning a lot. I'm learning, even as I get older, how very special these people have grown up to be. I'm impressed by their maturity, in the face of these very difficult times.
Life is about taking baby steps, sometimes, and just jumping in with both feet at times, holding your breath.
I'm very excited that some of them are discovering, that even in times of trial, life can be a true journey to be engaging and full of adventure. There are truly no guarantees, but life can be a journey..and so it begins for some.
Life is about taking baby steps, sometimes, and just jumping in with both feet at times, holding your breath.
I'm very excited that some of them are discovering, that even in times of trial, life can be a true journey to be engaging and full of adventure. There are truly no guarantees, but life can be a journey..and so it begins for some.
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