Feels like quicksand

Why can't I seem to get ahead? Sometimes I feel like this whole thing is so unfair. I work so very hard, try to be respectful to others, treat them with kindness, smile. I've always been the good girl, the "never had a problem with me" kinda gal. If you need my help, I'm one of the first ones to offer it, and actually follow through. I've always tried to do what's right. Lately though, it's just been so very tough. What bill will we pay this month, and which ones will we put off until next month. Why don't I ever get a break? I'm just getting so very tired of the struggle. Sometimes, I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep, not have a care in the world. Even when I'm inside screaming " Fuck you, world", I just put on a smile, and try to be brave, assure others things will be okay. It's getting so very difficult to face this shit anymore.
Funny, when I get stressed, I get mad cleaning. You'd think I'd have the cleanest house around, but I don't even have the energy to keep up with that anymore. My guts are all in knots, my hearts constantly racing, my head's swimming. I just want some direction. Why can't I have the confidence on the inside, that I so bravely show on the outside?
One of my favorite books growing up was " Are you there, God. It's me, Margaret". Sometimes thats how I feel, is any one listening? Can anyone hear me, now?
Well, tomorrow's got to be better, I guess. I'll just put on my brave face again, and do my best, and be kind to others, and smile again....

I'll be go to hell

How many times have I heard my dad say that growing up. Never really knew what the meaning meant until now.
It's Valentines night, and mother nature came banging on my door last night. At my age (ahem) I usually don't give a rat's ass, but for some insane reason, I decided to splurge on something sexy to wear for hubby. Don't really have the money to spare, lord knows, but I wanted to show him how I still crave for him, body and soul. I'm so sick and tired of this shit happening at all the wrong times. I've had my babies, why in the hell do I still have to worry about this shit? UGH.
I'm not a model, never have been, but hubby always makes me feel wanted and desired, and the ONE time, in years, that I finally had the plan and it all gets fucked up.
I'm also sick and tired of the damn hormonal rush that makes me a raving bitch, or cry baby. I'm so sensitive to all that's said to me for a few days, when it finally does roll around, that I either chew off heads, or just want to bury my head in a pillow and bawl my eyes out. My momma raised me better than this, but I feel like I have absolutely NO control over it. What in the hell was god thinking when he allowed women to have children into their 50's and 60's? This is like some kind of sick curse, I swear, and I'm about to tell the gyno to just rip the shit out, and be done with it! I'm just going to go to the corner and pull my hair out now. Yes, another Corona would be nice..tyvm

A love letter to my husband

It's so hard to believe that we've been together for 9 yrs and 3 months. The time has flown by so very quickly. I still remember our first date. You made me feel like I was the only woman in the room, you're intense blue eyes, fixed on my face, smiling and laughing the night away. From that first night, you handled me with the softest touch, the warmest heart, the kindest words. You told me I was a flower just waiting to bloom. You told me that you wanted to help me find my smile again. Those words just sunk to my soul, because I knew that with you, I would find it again.
I have never had to put on airs with you, or pretend to be perfect, I wasn't. I had faults and flaws, but you decided early on, to never make a point of noticing. You made my heart melt so quickly for you, I felt like I was home with you.
Here it is so many years later, and I still get a little rush in my heart when you call me, or hug me, or kiss me ever so sweetly. Your strength has calmed me in my darkest days, and shown me how to love with no bounds. You've taught me what love is. Your patience, kindness, and courage through your cancer, has hopefully made me a better person for knowing you.
I'm so blessed that you're my love, my husband, my soulmate, my friend.
I love you, baby.

Simple Inspiratons courtesy of Woman's Day

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for . We are the change that we seek.

-Barack Obama-

Could things be looking up?

As I said in an earlier post, I'm in sales, and things were abyssmal these last two months. Well, so far this month, I've already sold three customers, close to around 3K, which is good in what I do. It's making me feel pretty positive about the season.
Also, my wonderful hubby re-designed our website for the small family business I work for, and we've had 3 hits on it already! Great thing is, it's not even been recognized by " the Google" yet, and we're getting looks. Geesh, if this is what's going to happen now, I can just imagine once it get's up where it will be!
My mom reminded me that my stepdad's birthday is coming up the 16th, so I have to get off my backside ( not really ) and find him a stupendous card to celebrate him!
My awesome hubby, think I said that already, is also going to do some selling for his friend tomorrow! He's the best salesman, I've learned all I could from him! Hell, he sold me!
Well, I'm dancing in my seat, since I had such a good day, and hoping to have an even better one tomorrow! It's been so rough for us lately, so it's nice to finally have something to lift me up.
We're also going to have some wonderful weather for the next week; it's been so cold here. I'm sure I'm going to get antsy about getting out in the soil, although it's way to early for that, it's exciting to think about! Can't wait to get my hands dirty again!

I love my mom

I grew up in the 60's and 70's, when a lot of women at that time were fighting for equal rights and pay. My mom worked her ass off, trying to raise me and my brother, and still work full time, and keep a house. She always believed in my brother and I, even though we didn't always make life easy for her, and lords knows my father didn't. Shortly after my parents built a new house, her first ever, my father decided he needed his " space" and left us. I was 13 at the time, and never hated someone so much in my life. For almost a year, we didn't hear from him. I could hear my mom on the phone arguing with him, to just talk to us, but I later learned he was too ashamed to talk to us. It took me until well in to my adult hood to forgive him, but I have. In the meantime, my mom was the one that worked all day, and then some, and then would take us to all our school events, or chaperone , or just be mom on the sidelines, cheering us on. I never truly appreciated her sacrifice until I became a mom. You don't truly fathom the commitment they put out, until you're grown, and what a shame.

I had a very difficult first marriage, they say that you marry your father. Well, don't know if I did, but it was tough. My self esteem,that my mom spent years building up, was pretty much nil, until the family got together for grandpa's birthday, and she told me it was " okay". That was all she said, as if she saw the hurt, fear, anxiety on my face, and knew it was time for me to make the decision that it was better to be alone, than to face anymore of the hurt. I made that decision a few months later, and life was a living hell. I no longer lived with my kids, I lived on friends couch's, I completely felt the life sucking out of me. Then my mom, ever the pillar of strength in my life, told me that it was time to move on, and get my smile back.

Here it is, some decade later, and I do have my smile back. That's not to say, it was easy at first, but I got it. I remarried some 4 yrs after my first marriage dissolved. My kids have finally forgiven me for leaving, not that I had much choice, but I had to save my life.

I hope that they will some day see me in the same light that I see my mom. Strong, dedicated, loving, supportive, and always there for them, because I am and will be.

I love my mom.